I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
