totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
