You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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