Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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