god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
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