Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
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