all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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