Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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