I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
