How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize