I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
