Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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