haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
