enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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