Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
