if only i could text you this smell
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
