Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
