i just had sex bonerless
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
