ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
