i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
