I think I am morally bankrupt
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
