you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize