flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
