Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
