some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
