I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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