Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize