If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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