Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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