I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
