Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
