Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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