so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
