I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I need moral support for this bender
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
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