worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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