So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
