dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
