Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
