he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
