ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
