cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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