so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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