my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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