I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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