just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
