You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
