saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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