I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
40s are totally the cure
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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