dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
