She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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