I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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