He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
