am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
