i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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