Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Randomize
