she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize