matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Send help, water and tortillas.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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