First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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