When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
