Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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