I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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