His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize