Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
