i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
