Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
You are the jesus of drinking
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
