bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
