I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
We left the knife in your bed.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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