I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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