I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
