sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
