remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize