I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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