Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
