So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
