Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize