i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
